*WARNING* this post contains a lot of babble, long paragraphs, and may not even have much of a point to it. But bare with me, you might get something out of it. I’ll even throw some random pictures in to keep you interested.
Welcome to the most cliché blog I will ever write, but I’m gonna write it anyway. Oh and my best friend Jasmine (I told her I’d give her a mention so may as well get it out the way early) is adamant that I should name this blog post after the hobbit so yeah, cliché from the get go…
For the past few months I’ve found myself in a bit of a hole, out in the middle of nowhere working a repetitive job so that I can save money to do the things I love. Now when I say I’ve been in a hole, I don’t mean the place that I’m living in. Yes, it’s a small rural town with not a lot to do and seeing the same few people day in day out, but it’s actually a pretty nice little place. The locals are lovely (mostly), the sun is out 99% of the time and I have some very close friends here that mean the world to me. However, since arriving here I’ve found myself losing sight of who I am, acting out of character and constantly losing sleep worrying about things that may never even happen. It took a close friend pulling me aside and telling me I wasn’t myself and to sort it out to make me realise things needed to change. I’m writing this so that if anyone reading this (all 2 of you) ever finds themselves or have found themselves in a similar situation, that it doesn’t have to be a negative thing.
Okay so here goes… yes I’ve acted in a questionable way recently and my emotional rollercoaster has affected some of the people I love the most. But luckily these people have had the patience and love to stick by my side, even when they’ve definitely wanted to punch my lights out for being such an emotional and needy little woman. To those guys, I say thank you to the ends of the earth for being the best friends a girl could ask for. Even my bestie back home sent me a message one day saying how much she missed me right when I was feeling my lowest, it was as though she had a best friend telepathy and knew something wasn’t quite right. So there’s my first positive in this, you realise who your friends are, and that there’s always someone there to help you realise that all those worries you have are most likely nothing to worry about at all. It’s good to talk see.
Sometimes in losing yourself you come out the other end finding a better version of you. It’s like when you want to do a big spring clean in your house – things get waaaaay messier before they get tidier than they were before. Now I’m coming out the other end of this thing my mother would call a ‘blip’, I feel as though I’ve grown a lot as a person (wayheyy here comes the traveller finding themselves chat). It’s not that I think there was anything wrong with the old me, but there’s always room for growth – to learn about yourself and others; life is always going to throw curveballs but it’s how you deal with them that shows your true strength (that’s right I went there – deep huh?!). I wouldn’t say ‘I’ve found myself’, more that I’ve made improvements. My god have I made an ass of myself in the mucky process of it all, but I’m glad that this little meltdown happened when I consider how confident I feel now.
I know there’s a massive stereotype of people going travelling to find themselves and I’ve always laughed at how silly that sounds; the way I look at it is that whatever you choose to do in life, whether it be travelling, following your dream career, starting a family etc. is going affect the person you are today. Of course nobody can leave their home comforts and live on the other side of the world for two years without changing as a person, just like someone who becomes a new mother is going to change into a different version of themselves too. Some might call that finding themselves, I just call it life. If you all think about the person you were 5 years ago almost everyone can confidently say they are a different person now.
Being a strong independent woman is something I pride myself on (I did warn you this was going to be mega cliché), and being honest is something I value very highly. Certain people would tell you’ve I’ve probably been a little too honest and emotional lately and there’s another lesson to be learnt – to bloody reign it in. My strength and independence haven’t exactly been peaking either, I’ve felt weak and insecure and relied on others to hold me afloat. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few months over thinking about going back into the big wide world all on my own, when in fact I should’ve been thinking ‘you know what, if I’m going alone I can go wherever the hell I please; that boat trip in Indonesia looks good so let’s go, and this teaching English as a foreign language course looks interesting – sign me up!’. With this new mind set I’m so SO excited for what the future has in stall *insert hands in the air emoji here* yaaaasss queen (sorry, won’t say that again… not making any promises though).
So just remember, everyone is strong, and everyone also has times of weakness. You’ll find your strength again sooner or later, just hang in there and keep your head up. Just have that belief that it’ll all work out and make that effort to make sure it does.
There’s always a way to turn a negative into a positive even if at times it seems impossible. Look at the lotus flower for example, it lives in a muddy pond yet it still manages to grow into a beautiful thing. Yes you’re correct, I did just take inspiration from a plant but so do many other people as it’s actually a symbol of purity. So if you ever find yourself in a dark spot just tell yourself you’re a lotus flower, if that doesn’t work then the realisation that you’re not as dorky and cringey as I am should help.
I’ve always believed that it’s good to do things that make you nervous, things that your younger self would never imagine you’d be brave enough to do. Show the old you that you can do anything you want to – those fears aren’t going to hold you back anymore. Not so long ago someone told me that what you feel when you’re anxious and scared about something are actually similar to feelings of excitement and adrenaline, it’s just how you think about them that determines whether those feelings are positive or negative. So adjust your mind set and you never know where it might lead you – you could be waving goodbye to that comfort zone before you know it.
You’ll be surprised at just how many people who seem unfazed by traveling the world on their own are actually a ball of nerves and anxiety inside. Since I started travelling I’ve always wondered how on earth am I having all these anxious thoughts about what lies ahead, about going it alone or getting lost, yet everyone else seems so confident. After a while and a few conversations with new found friends I discovered that most people have those very same fears, we all just have such a big common desire to see the world that we refuse to let them stop us. So if you’re one of those people who have ever said the words ‘I wish I was as brave as you, I’d love to travel’; well you can be, and I guarantee you that you’ll be so proud of yourself for doing it that you’ll continue to do all the things you wanted to but were too afraid.
Hell, even the thought of posting this blog and having people reading it is making me nervous. But guess what? I’m clicking publish and I’m clicking that share button anyway.
If you’ve stuck it out this far, then I hope reading this gives at least one person some confidence to live life how they want to, or someone going through some personal struggle to realise you’re not alone. I’m here to talk (probably a bit too much but hey).
In the words of Jesse J ‘it’s okay not to be okay, just be true to who you are’. Thanks for that Jesse, you’re a doll.
Please leave a comment if you enjoyed my endless babbling, or if you can relate, and a massive thanks for reading – big cyber hugs to you!
ps. If you ever find yourself worrying that you’re behind in life and struggling to adult, I’m 24 years old and just put my pants on back to front whilst getting ready for work. I wish I was saying this just for entertainment purposes but it actually just happened. Oh and Jasmine attempted to go to work in her slippers the other day so don’t worry – we’re all in the same boat.
The Backpacker Next Door 